From Chloe to Jasmine- Do I "Pray it Away" or "Bust them Windows"

Believe it or not, there’s a soundtrack to love. So, it only makes sense that theirs is also, a soundtrack to heartbreak, mine? Started out soft, damn near pleading. When you make someone believe for an entire year that you love them, you aren't just giving them butterflies; you're rewiring the rhythm of their daily life. Every moment you share, every word you exchange builds a story, and when you suddenly rip it away your brain and body move into chaos. Let me break it down for you as someone suffering DAILY with more than you think mentally and physically.

It's not just heartbreak it's chemistry.

The love-bombing, floods you with dopamine, you don't just want them, you crave them like an addict craves a drug. Imagine being fed small doses of a drug every single day for 288 days and then one day that drug is gone:

Friday August 15^th, 2025 I sent in a group message to my wife Renee and Miguel: (It is important to know that I have since deleted messages and his number and blocked him because MENTAL HEALTH! So… they both still have them I’m sure so if I’m lying all they have to do is show the receipts. PLEASE DO)

-When you get off work I need you to take this box home with you and when you’re ready to discuss the contents of this box as well as the conversation we had last week please let me know.

Short, sweet, and to the fucking point. Or so I thought. My response was even shorter.

 

Miguel-(Papi in my phone)- Ok I understand.

 

Hmph.

I should’ve known from that moment this was about to be some bullshit, but whatever, fast forward to the end of the their workday, because this man didn’t say ANYTHING to me for the rest of it.

12:51

My heart starts to pound, like has every. Single. Day. From that day, because that’s the time that man punches out from work, and comes home.

I’m anticipating a conversation which in my heart I know is going to end one of two ways, either this man is going to again reject what I’m now BEGGING FOR, and this is the end, or he’s going to finally just listen to me and understand that I’m asking him to be the man he said he was in the beginning, and he was going to receive what I was pleading with him to see.

In my heart I felt, I knew he was just being stubborn, or hard headed, because let’s be real, he is most definitely the smartest man I know. Take Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, give him glasses and a Dominican background and there you have it.

Socially awkward, strict adherence to routine, lack of understanding of social norms etc.

In my mind no one has probably ever gotten this far with him or wanted to for that matter. Communicating your needs to someone is a huge step in personal growth for people who lack in that department.

Guess what, my wife, Renee and I BOTH lacked the ability to affectively communicate our needs to one another. Keyword, affectively. You can talk all day at someone until you’re blue in the face but I can guarantee they aren’t listening. They hear you which is what we think we want, but they aren't listening.

Not to understand. Do they understand? Do they want to understand? Keep that in mind.

So, the clock is ticking away, I’m torn between watching the clock on the stove, and the one on my phone because with every minute, every second that goes by HE is that much closer to telling me and that box to go to hell, or b. telling me and that box, to go to hell.

I couldn’t tell you, because that’s when the silence began, he never came inside. He dropped Renee off and I watched his bald head speed up the road without a single word.

When my wife opened the door I asked, “where’s he going? Is he coming back?” to which she shrugged.

“I don’t know, He dropped me off hasn’t said two words to me since this morning and went home.”

Ok then.

Interesting to say the least.

I let it go. And I continue to do the cup I was doing and waited, what for I’m not sure but eventually the waiting kind of stopped. I was getting ready for bed, early because I didn’t know what else to do with myself, and I thought to myself, go to him. So, I did.

At first, I asked my wife to bring me, but she said something that irritated me, so I ended up going by myself. With the box.

I drive over there, there isn't a single light on inside, but his car is in the driveway. BET!

I’m standing outside his door, now MIND YOU! This man has cameras and a security system on his property like he’s guarding the fucking Mona Lisa. Cameras that he watches CONSTANTLY!

Anytime that camera goes off he’s grabbing mine or Renee’s attention to tell us who’s on his screen, talking to solicitors via his doorbell, and don’t get me started on the amazon deliveries. The moment one was delivered he was leaving my house to go get it and back within minutes.  

BUT!!!! For some odd reason this man didn’t see me on his porch for 20 minutes RINGING HIS DOORBELL! BANGING ON HIS DOOR! I finally had to use the key I forgot I had. I open his door, push the box inside and leave his key because at this point, why am I here?

At his house, INSIDE his house.

I thought, go upstairs, but for the life of me, I didn’t know what the hell I was going to see so I locked his door and went home, figured he’ll have questions right?

WRONG!

Saturday, nothing. We went to Knoebels with my family. He was supposed to go but he went to work instead.

We ended up leaving early because to be honest, this man’s silence was killing me. When I tell you not a fucking peep. And what was I going to say?

So, we get home and I'm sitting there, I’m like to my wife, let's just go over there. She says, I think he’s at Jeffs, (his “best friend”.) I’m like so what, we’ll just sit on his porch, maybe he’ll wonder why we’re there and message or call.

So we did.

We walked to his house, sat on his porch for a good hour, I text that man, I call that man several times, because now I’m getting pissed off, WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME!

Hours had now turned into days, I need to understand what the hell is going on.

Come to find out the next day, which he half-whispered, but APPARENTLY, he had went to the movies with Jeff and his girlfriend Britney. According to him, Jeff had gotten "3 free tickets."

When I tell you, my heart dropped. Because... I'm sorry, what?

I was honestly a wee-bit flabbergasted, but ok, I guess.

At this point my irritation had turned into full blown anger because what is going on? All of a sudden, in the middle of our relationship problems you third wheeled a fucking date with your "best friend" and his girlfriend?

FAST. FORWARD. TO. SUNDAY.

I’ve been texting and calling this man since Friday with zero response so now, I’m mad. I’m sitting on my porch finishing up my e-book when I glance at the clock.

My heart pounds because it’s 1:07.

That’s about the time he’s driving down Main Street, so I look up over my laptop. And this mans Jeep is coincidentally damn near speeding down my street. IMMEDIATELLY my anxiety peeks. 

I mean I’m about to have a full blown anxiety attack so I go inside to calm myself down because no matter how ready I thought I was, I was nowhere near ready for this man to break my heart, so I did what I always do and I went inside to smoke.

This man has given me the absolute silent treatment for 3 full days. I don’t know what he wants, but after 3 HUGE bongs, yes packed full of the lords lettuce, I walked back outside expecting to see the man I love, puppy dog eyes and apologetic but all I saw was that goddamn box.

He was no where in sight.

 

“You know I’m not perfect, I’m not Virgin Mary, I feel what I feel so my actions may vary, that’s on my soul, I lost my halo, my halo is gone, I’m on the road, hey God knows my heart, I’m wilding, so close to doin somethin’…”

~Chloe Bailey

 

Pray it Away

When I looked out on my front porch that man was no where in sight, but you know what was? A box full of our stuff.

I was absolutely numb. Confused.

But I waited, a few minutes later my wife pulls up I grab the box and we go to his house. Because what does this mean? I bang on his door, ring the doorbell and yell at the camera because you can either open this damn door or you’re about to be pissed because I’ll break it.

He opens the door I drag the fucking box inside and leave it at his feet.

“What is this?” I asked.

NOTHING.

“What is this?” I asked again.

“It’s your stuff.” ( the same stuff I put in the box which was the REASON I gave him this box and requested a conversation, the shower stuff I had left, and the sex toys we bought.)

“No fucking shit, why is it in this box?”

NOTHING.

“Miguel why is this stuff in the box?”

NOTHING!!!!

When I tell you I went off.

That man stood there like a fucking statue. And this is how I knew that I wasn’t the problem. That there was SOMETHING I was missing.

I told this man everything. I explained to him why I gave him his stuff back, because why on earth were you going to stay in this house, sleep in this bed every night when we couldn’t do the same at your place. You are able to come and go as you please, you know the layout of my entire house, but we are only aloud to shower and stay a single night. I pleaded with you a week ago to just give a little more, plan a date… at this point I pick up the dress in the box, the dress he got me for my birthday a month ago and I show it to him. I tell him “you have absolutely no idea why I even gave you what’s in this box because you’re too damn stubborn and afraid to ask, I gave him the dress so that if and when he planned a date I already had something in mind to wear.” I picked up the sneakers he bought, “these were for when you took us out on a random drive or to the park or whatever, I’ll wear these.”

I begged him to just tell me what I had done wrong, or what had went wrong period in this relationship and I was met with nothing but silence.

I wasn’t even angry then. Not really, still I’m hurt, begging for this man to respond. 

NOTHING!!!!

????? I know now, He heard everything I said, read every word I wrote.

He. Just. Didn’t. Care.

Because how can you watch the woman you claim to love stand in front of you like that and feel nothing. I flat out asked him, “what is the problem? How are we here now?” And finally, after DAYS!!! I mean full blown DAYYYYS..... This man shoves both his hands in his pockets and whispers.

Communication!

He "didn’t feel like we were communicating."

That pushed me over the edge! 

I mean put me at the peak of Mt fucking Everest and push me the hell over because, excuse me?  Now I see, CLEARLY this man is deliberately trying to piss me off because what?

This relationship is in turmoil currently because we aren't communicating?

The silence in his kitchen was deafening. For a good sixty fucking seconds I stared at this man like he done lost his every fucking loving mind.

I showed him my phone, the messages, the phone calls, from me to him, all UNANSWERED! Then I asked him, “How is this problem communication when YOU’RE THE ONE NOT COMMUNICATING!”

NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

This bald-headed bastard just fucking stood there.

So that’s where I left it. Or at least I tried to.

 

I ended that entire day and ordeal with one question. Because I simply couldn’t fathom that the same man who, just a week prior whispered how much he loved you while taking your body to another dimension, was the same one who stood cowering before me.

So yeah, as he’s scrolling through the messages showing the crazy, know I stand by every bit of those words.

I wasn’t angry yet, I was broken, desperate to understand how someone could go from telling me I was everything to acting like I was nothing.

Silence is expensive, someone silencing you is even more so.

It’s shattering, it pulls you apart bit by bit as you sit there waiting, hoping, scrolling through old messages, analyzing every photograph, replaying every kiss, every moment, every laugh, every night you slide back into bed to arms pulling you tight.

You tell me how you feel when all you have left is an empty bottle of his favorite whiskey and you remember the smell of it on his breath.

Was I supposed to just move on?

For 288 days that man made me feel safe.

And now he's done! No goodbye, not honesty, just silence.

I messaged and called that man for 3 days straight after he said he was Done. Asking him anything and everything for some sort of understanding. Every message, every phone-call went unanswered. And trust me I said ALOT. The most absurd I can even rewrite because it's not my intentions to imply anything, I just needed to make some semblance of sense. Because ANYTHING, and I mean anything is better than the alternative.

I asked, if it was me, I asked if I did something, I asked if there was someone else. I told him a million times that I loved him, I asked if he loved me, I suggested he seek therapy. And I especially asked if he was fucking sterile. And further went on to hope he was because God forbid, I am pregnant right now. 

Do you really think I want to have yet another baby for a man who doesn't love me? I think the fuck not.

Did I strike a nerve? I hope so. I hope I struck every nerve he had left. Bottom line.

I got absolutely NOTHING in response.

IMPRESSIVE. You see why I love this man, his level of control is ASTOUNDING. And that's not to suggest that I acted like this throughout the relationship, absolutely the fuck not. No. Everything I said and did was in response to his response, (or lack thereof.) 

So.... Honestly. Help me. You tell me.

Is he a fucking vampire? Did he turn off his fucking humanity? Does he have emotions?

Because TELL ME HOW TO DO IT!

What's the secret? Because I don't want to feel like this... and I can’t just turn off my emotions. NO ONE CAN. Unless they were never real from the beginning, and I can't except that.

Because that would mean that this heartbreak was deliberate. And if that were the truth, how can you make someone you love feel like this?

So… Miguel... I don’t know if he ever really loved me. Again, I don’t know if I was just a game, another story you’ll tell about breaking me down. But I do know this: your ghosting doesn’t just break my heart; it’s trying to break my spirit. And every single day I show up, for my wife, my daughter, for my business, and for myself, is proof that even if you’ve abandoned me, I refuse to abandon myself.

And know I said EVERYTHING while you’re STILL too much of a coward to do so.