Ignoring the Flags

It’s been two weeks since I last spoke to or seen that mans face.

The silence no longer hurts, but damn does it make a bitch reflect. I already said I wasn’t mad anymore, and hurt? That’ll probably never go away. I’d say I was numb but…

I am understanding.

One thing is for sure. I have done A TON of self reflection. It’s no longer about Miguel, nor even Renee, it’s me.

All Me. The choices I made and why. Looking back, I HAVE NEVER CHOSEN ME!! Even now, y’all I’m coming from a fucking letter I was writing, TO HIM, taking “responsibility” for the “part” that I played in where we are right now.

FUCK THAT!

While I got some issue’s the reason we are where we are aint got DICK to do with me and I put that on everything, however… that does not negate the fact that, I NEED HELP!

LOVE! I NEED SOMEONE TO PUT ME FIRST!

I need me.

I love my wife, I love Miguel BOTH; deeply.

But I need to love me. PERIOD.

Especially since NO ONE ELSE CAN.

I need to slow down, and focus on me and how I got here, and boy… the ways in which I have neglected me is astronomical.

It all started ironically, fifteen fucking years ago.

The day Jared Parker made me feel the lowest I had ever felt in my life. When he sexually assaulted me on the floor of 352 N. Rebbeca Ave.

He spent three years cheating on me with MULTIPLE women and still couldn’t let me out of that relationship with what little pride I had left. Nope. He had to take that too. The irony, Renee and I were just starting to make it official!

I knew I shouldn’t have let him in that door; he’d gotten his closure when I stopped all communication, MONTHS prior.

All of mine and my daughters’ belongings had been moved into Renee’s house. I’m not even sure why I was there, NO ONE was home!

I don’t even know how it started, but when it ended, I took the hottest shower with the little clothes I still had on. He had the nerve to ask what I was going to tell people.

I said NOTHING!

There are so many things I should’ve done and said but SILENCE was my only solace.

He left… and so do did I. right there on that floor.

He was the last male to “touch” me. Anyone really besides Renee, but mostly “Men” for lack of better terms. Jared isn’t a man; he’s a rapist because that wasn’t the first time he’s done something like this and unfortunately, I doubt it was the last.

Males like him have problems with rejection. And once I had woken from whatever “plagued” me, he clearly couldn’t handle mine, because let’s face it, I gave you his name, do the work but don’t you dare come for me.

Call it the charity work it was and move on. Plus, surprise SURPRISE, I was pregnant when I met him at my baby daddy’s house party. (insert a BE jillion emojis) LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I told yall my baby daddy and I were NEVER together, right?

Because we weren’t, I moved to the area after BOTH my foster parents died six months apart and he was DEFINETLY something to take the pain away. I promise you I was NEVER on my baby daddy top like that until AFTER I had my daughter. Before??? We kicked it, fucked and that was that.

AFTER I found out I prego, I STILL wasn’t go go chasing Rashawn, I started DATING Jared. To the extent HE was more in the NICU than Rashawn was.

Buuuutttttt… that’s neither here nor there.

Bottom line, I wasn’t a Dumb Bitch, but I was kind of a dumb bitch, KINDA. ANYWAYS!!!

SOOO once the blinders were off and Jared is quite literally GONE, Renee and I start talking *lesbian relationship eventually we are MOVING IN TOGETHER!!! BOOM!!! This boy LOSES HIS MIND!!!

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE A PATTERN HERE?

Mind you I have had exactly Five actual relationships. Since the very first one, they have all ended TRAUMATICALLY in some way shape or form.

First one, Claude (poor kid) I really am sorry, but let’s take a look at the trauma portion, because it wasn’t even the “relationship”.  Sure, Sam Rivera kissed me in that hallway, but I WAS GOING TO BE HONEST!

I was like what? FOURTEEN? Sam was DEFINETLY an upperclassman, even though homey was in that class. With all the “group-home” boys that had “issues.” I don’t fucking know, I just know what we called it I’m not about to write that shit here.

The main factor is, I had written a letter to a friend that I had known FOR YEARS! I mean this person and her family had been the first family my sister and I met when we were put into foster care, so from the age of seven up until that point we were damn near family right?

Yeah, I thought so too.

Tell me why…

I wrote in a very long letter about Sam kissing me and if I’m not mistaken, how it made me feel and some other things I’m pretty sure about how I might’ve felt about Claude and BITCH!!! SHE GAVE HIM THE LETTER!!!

Nowhere to lie.

Of course he broke up with me, but GIRL!!!

SHE GAVE HIM THE LETTER! I wasn’t even torn up about him breaking up with me, because I’d do the same thing, I was torn up about the fact that SHE GAVE HIM THAT LETTER!

Bruh, I promise you, that is where I STOPPED trusting people. I stopped telling people about myself and what I was doing or going through from that point forward.

From there in my Junior year, I started dating Lamont. The first man to EVER have and BREAK my heart. And damn near in the same manner as Miguel too. SILENCE! Only his silence a week later was met with a Facebook Post of him GETTING MARRIED!!!! ON A MOTHAFUCKING BEACH BITCH!!!!!

You wanna talk about DEVASTATED!!!!

Chileeeee!

I can’t even begin to tell you how I felt, but I still have the post that I made the second I found out because ya girl screenshots EVERYTHING!

I’m still waiting for Miguel to just pop up with a newborn or something.

Now for the record!!! That time-period… (DON’T JUDGE ME, I WAS HONEST WITH ALL PARTIES) Of Rashawn, Jared, Renee, dead parents, ALL OVERLAP.

I’m going to lay it out in some sort of chronological order:

****LaMont joins the Air Force, HE GAVE ME A PROMISE RING before he leaves for basic training (I lost my vCard)

Junior/senior in high school (dating Lamont “long distance”, phone-calls, he visited a few times)

Foster Parents pass away (06/07)

I am transitioned out of foster care go to “live” with bio-mom and her bf.

MEETS RASHAWN working at Quiznos. (At this point shit is weird with LaMont, he stops contacting.)

Eventually I get knocked up, (RANDOMLY GET A PHONE CALL FROM LAMONT) we start talking again, long distance, I tell him HEY I’M PREGNANT)

I do not know what the FUCK happened between then and me giving birth, but I have daughter, and LaMont comes to visit, WE GET A HOTEL. (SMMFH)

I am not proud of that moment but it happened.

When I tell you that man called and wrote me for months after that. Then stopped all of a sudden. I had two different numbers he gave me to call, when I would call the one, no answer the second I called once, and a woman answered the phone and said he was on some training thing.

He calls back DAYS LATER and says some weird shit about it not working out, I understand because he’s literally across a fucking ocean, and I’ve got a whole baby…Life was lifeing. Boom, cue post!

But… go on and fast forward because he coulda just said he was seeing someone. The conversations we had were long as fuck and not once did he say he met someone, and to that magnitude?

But move on because at that time I was hella convinced he’d be my night and shining armor.

What comes next we’ll  DEFINETLY let my Baby Daddy tell, he likes to tell this part, cuz I went in them TRENCHES deeeeeep.

Oh, my goodness. This was definitely not a time period where motherhood was my biggest priority. Party and Alcohol.

Jared had cheated on me waaayy too many times, but he still “came home” to me so I was not that pressed, I was just doing me. Like I said DUMB!

If you are confused, GOOD. That was the most confusing time-period in my life. I was going THROUGH IT. Sex and alcohol numbed every part of the pain I was in. Period.

Regardless.

Rashawn was and is holding the current and future heavy weight champion of the world of ALL DEADBEATS title. And no that is not on no bitter baby mama bullshit. That…male is one sorry ass excuse for a human being and all of my fellow baby moms will agree.

The current Debbie Delusion included, she just doesn’t want to admit it publicly. Rashawn has WAAAYYYYY too much Karmic debt to repay for his CHILDREN alone, so I highly doubt he’ll receive any sort of semblance of a happy ending in this lifetime so if you’re reading this STEER CLEAR. But that’s nowhere NEAR any of my business, so imma leave that alone. And she JUST LIKE HIM anyways so it doesn’t even matter.

I’d honestly like to say his mama shoulda swallowed his ass but then I wouldn’t have my wonderful daughter, so he served his purpose. Plus, the resilience I have built over the years dealing with him, chefs kiss.

I told him from day one, you don’t have to like me, but OUR child deserves to see you and know you. When I tell you for the first three years of her life, I literally tried EVERYTHING to get this man to just be with his daughter.

The number of “conversations” I’ve had with him. I couldn’t bring myself to actually ever date him though. We messed around a few times which (now that I’m reflecting) is why I’m almost positive the SECOND time I got pregnant (spent that $500 cuz I was kinda sorta with Jared low-key and I WAS NOT BECOMING A PART OF THAT TRIBE NO GODDAMN WAY!!!)

I was convinced it was Jared’s at the time. The amount of time Rashawn and I messed around was SPARCE!!! I mean it was nowhere near more than three times in the span of 3 years. I was NOT sprung off that D.

JARED, I’ll admit, it was good when it was good. I’m convinced whoever in charge of handing out the “D” packages got one hell of a sense of humor, because how on earth a 5ft THING with like three missing FRONT teeth GOT that? And WHY?

Because all he’s done, (I know NOTHING of his current anything,) was terrorize women. NOW RASHAWN!!!!

At first glance you like, ooohh he kinda cute, back then he had long hair he kept braided. He got nice teeth. YALL!

That is ALLLLLL!

I don’t know what he out here saying to these women to get them to sleep with him MULTIPLE times, but I promise you, I was heavily under the influence of, desperation, TRAUMA, a lil alcohol because I’m only like 20ish at the time, it was the 07-10 era so you do the math.

My one and ONLY child (his oldest) is about to graduate high school and the youngest of his six or seven beautiful children is only about I think 16ish weeks? Lil stink stink still baking. But SOMEHOW via the MANY Facebook posts, dm, snaps and texts, I’m a hoe who gave it up to half a Scranton.

Is he lying? I wouldn’t exactly say yes, but I’m not gone sit here and tell you I wasn’t in them streets. And that’s the difference, right? I wasn’t FOR the streets.

Right?

I had some questionable morals, but I was also in my twenties “avoiding” the trauma I’d been experiencing up until that point. When I realized my actions weren’t beneficial to myself OR my daughter, I sat my ass on down. Got married and started building a life.

TRIED to let everyone down easily, Jared was the only one not on that time.

But let’s swing the block back on Rashawn though. Six or seven children by multiple women? Sound familiar? I can’t tell you how many narratives I’ve seen and heard where that definition was used to define an entire demographic of women as untouchable, unappealing.

Rashawn and Jared alike are walking around the same city impregnating and then ABANDONING these women and NOBODY IS BATTING AN EYELASH and they’re the same age.

Only one of Rashawn’s baby mamas was dumb enough to do it twice, AND LIVE WITH THE MANIAC. I don’t know if I feel sorry for her or want to laugh in her face because after that FIRST one, THE DEVIL IS LIAR.

I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared for that and so did the rest of us. But that is neither here nor there, because who the hell am I to judge? While I never loved that man, I am guilty of loving a man in spite of myself, so I pray she heals from whatever damage he did do. I hope she and the rest of the women he and Jared got to all have the chance and ability to heal because I know it’s not easy.

You ladies deserved and still deserve waay more, I learned that sometimes Spirit/God/Allah… whomever you answer to, places us into the paths of people like this to not only teach us, but to prepare them.

KNOW YOUR WORTH!

Man, woman, non-binary… the moment you realize and meet yourself and the power you hold RUN WITH IT.

Everything you’ve been through, are currently going through, and will eventually go through know that it is all for a reason and I’m saying this during yet ANOTHER low point in my life. Another lesson.

The biggest lesson I’ve ever had to learn too.

MY WORTH.

I TOO MATTER.

And I am not who or what others say I am.

I’m who and what I give them permission to see, and know.

And here’s something yall don’t know.

Fifteen years ago, Jared tried to take something from me and for a while he almost succeeded. Same thing of Rashawn, Lamont, hell even Renee, they all in their own way tried to break me down into what they wanted me to be. None of them realized just how close they came.

Has someone ever tried to do that to you? If so, the fact that you are still here speaks VOLUMES! Because even just the thought has slipped into my mind SO MANY TIMES.

Too many times.

Trust me, THEY AINT WORTH IT, and it will get better.

Even if they are worth it, they sure as shit aren’t worth your life, baby let it go and give it to your highest power. I mean it. Then sit with it. SIT WITH IT.

Because THAT SHIT HURT! FEEL IT. Until you understand it. It’s supposed to hurt, why? Did you stay way longer than you knew you should have? Because next time, yes, there will be a next time, YOU leave sooner. Next time, you will listen to yourself, THE FIRST TIME.

Pay attention like your life depends on it because damnit IT DOES.

Loving and possibly losing someone can feel like a life or death situation, fight me if you think I’m wrong.

Fuck the intensity of your emotions, your mental and even your physical health are tied to it, and ignoring the warning signs, red flags, early on, is putting yourself in situations where your body and spirit SHUT THE FUCK DOWN!

Every single time you overlook those red flags, you’re gambling with your own personal well-being. It’s no longer about the failed relationship, and now about the slow erosion of yourself in the process, that’s when love turns from nourishment… to poison.

When you bite your tongue instead of saying “I need more from you,” you are internally teaching yourself how to suffocate, and accept less than what you DESERVE.

Every unmet need is a breath you don’t take. Every red flag, another weight on your chest. Stress coils your stomach, your heart races, your mind spins on a loop until exhaustion strikes.

You’ll survive for a while sure. The truth is, every time you swallow your words, or silence your needs a piece of you quietly dies inside, and eventually, the deprivation starts to take it’s toll. The longer your needs go unmet, ESPECIALLY if yo ass out here taking care of MULTIPLE PEOPLE i.e. children, BABYYYYYY…. The cost isn’t just emotional heartbreak. It’s physically, you.

And you don’t even notice it at first, you’ll call it patience, giving them time, or grace, but in reality… you’re really giving yourself away.

It’s crazy because we’ve been conditions to believe that love is selfless right? That loving hard means enduring more? That’s proof of loyalty no? That if we just hold on a little tighter, eventually they’ll show up the way we need them to right?

THE BODY ALWAYS KEEPS THE SCORE.

Those knots in your stomach, the migraines, the constant exhaustion? Baby those aren’t random, that’s your body SCREAMING AT YOU! Trying to tell you, this aint safe, this aint love, we don’t belong here, this is killing you.

Loving without protecting yourself is like, ignoring your chest pains because you don’t want to ruin dinner with his family. You walk around convincing yourself you’re ok, until one day you collapse from the weight of all you refuse to face. HONEY, you’re not disposable.

And for the life of me I’m not talking about what happened with Jared but lets give it just a smidge more attention because IT’S FAR TOO COMMON.

Younger me had options even though I felt like I had none. I didn’t want the scrutiny, I didn’t want the questions, I was ashamed it had even happened to me, and then I was in shock it had happened to me. When I tell you I had no one, I mean it, I was in a brand-new relationship and a same-sex relationship at that.

What if she didn’t believe me?

She did.

And let me be clear, and if you need me to hold your hand or hug you, if you EVER see me SAY THAT,(just be cool I have anxiety that manifests in RBF, DO NOT RUSH ME I WILL RUN) but LISTEN!!!!!!

I believe you. And you need to tell someone, ANYONE! EVERYONE!!!

Because your NO, means NO, no matter WHO YOU ARE SAYING IT TO.

And if for any reason you simply, can’t I understand, tell me. Because sometimes it does help to simply talk about it, I KNOW it helps to write about it.

I’ve lived with these secrets and these feelings and betrayals for so long allowing them to eat me alive replaying them over in my brain every time something else happens because woe is me.

Thirty-six years I have existed.

When I tell you, I came into this world in chaos I refuse to leave it the same way, I mean it. I’ve been mishandled from the day I was born and for a lot of you, you share that same scenario.

There wasn’t a single soul that entered my life that I wasn’t forcibly removed from, been abandoned by, beaten or battered by (because hitting children with thick ass pieces of wood for odd things like “changing their clothes in school”, or “giving a fellow student pain reliever, for their period” is asinine,) lied on, the list goes on.

It’s happened though. (don’t worry we’ll get there)

 

 

So, what did we gather? I’ve been through some stuff, yeah… but that’s still not even the full tip of the iceberg fyi.

We’re past the question that sparked this…. Series though, so, there’s that.

That man couldn’t do anything but love me. You don’t get to experience me in the manner that he was able to and not love me, it doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that. I loved on every single part of that man that needed to be loved on and I stand on that. I’ll do it again too.

He loved Renee. No question.

Spiritually, I’m told Divine Intervention, so I’m going to leave it at that and pray it away. I’m not a vengeful person so I’ll hope, and I’ll pray every day that that man heals the parts of him that need it.

Because no matter what he thinks he DOESN’T deserve to be alone. He deserves the love he was never shown. He deserves grace. He deserves patience. Our chapter has certainly come to an end but only for now. The wall he put up, he’ll have to bring down on his own and whether or not he does is his own life lesson.

That’s all we can do.

Learn the lesson or doom yourself in your purgatory.

I love that man and will continue to love him, from a distance. And when the Highest, excuse me, IF, the Highest deems it, we’ll cross paths again.

For now, I’m going to pour into me. Period.

As for love, I’ll continue to fully invite it into my life as should you.

It should NEVER cost you your health. Love does not feel like survival and if it does, Bruh/Sis, that’s your warning sign to get the fuck out, to breathe, to choose you BEFORE you’re too depleted to remember what it feels like to be you.

The hard truth?

SILENCE wont save you, sacrificing your needs, wont make them love you anymore, and ignoring those red flags wont make them go away.

At the end of the day, we only have one body, one mind, one soul, ONE CHANCE. Protect it like your life depends on it.

Because it does. Period.

Protect yourself! Choose yourself!

And remember, LOVE is never a reason to feel like your dying inside.