Rock-Bottom

I don’t get it. I don’t understand and holy shit does it still hurt. I have analyzed damn near every single bit of the conversations we’ve had, and I do not understand how the hell things got to where they are right now.

When I tell you I am literally at my LOWEST. I don’t know what to do, who to turn to.  I am SHATTERED.

Still.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all this pain. SO much. I don’t understand what the point of getting hurt like this was. The fuck am I supposed to channel it into? I’ve been on autopilot my entire life but right now it’s ten times worse no a thousand times worst because I don’t know what the fuck I did wrong or how the hell I am supposed to fix it.

There’s no going back. I know that. I’m not even sure what the fuck I’m supposed to overlook to even do that. Like…

The fuck is forward.

I am literally flying blind with absolutely NOTHING.

What am I healing? TikTok aint no goddamn help with the fucking tarot community popping up on my feed every five seconds with “messages from the divine...” yes yes, I know it’s tiktok calm down.

I am teetering on the verge of a fucking mental breakdown I can feel it.

And no, it’s not because of him.

It is EVERYTHING.

Everyone.

He’s simply the catalyst.

They say... “Have Faith...”

Faith in what though? In my ability to hit rock bottom time and time and time again. To show up for the entire world just to have the entire world barely make an effort?

I take accountability for the roles I’ve played in other stories over the years both good and bad, lessons upon lessons upon lessons I’ve learned. And I just don’t understand, what the hell is the point? I hear… God only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers but DAMN!!!!

I am in a constant battle with an idea I can never experience.

From fucking BIRTH I been getting knocked on my ass. The fuck???

Most people can say they had their mama’s or were raised in a single home by their mamas but MINE!!!

Bruh NOBODY has ever really CHOSEN me for me. It’s always some crazy ass underlying reason that has absolutely nothing to do with genuine love.

I aint never been shown love and still I managed to show it to everyone that’s ever crossed my path to the best of my ability.

Male or female.

Show up for me like I show up for you.

SO, NOBODY CAN DO THAT? My lesson is I must show up for myself?

Really?

I don’t understand why Miguel had to be placed into my path and then RIPPED out in that manner.

I literally opened my mouth and told him my FEELINGS. Something I have NEVER DONE.

Before the resentment ever even started to set in. Before I was entirely too invested. Thanks for cutting it shorter than usual I guess.

It took fifteen years, a domestic dispute, and A DRAINED BANK ACCOUNT for me to “leave” Renee and guess what… STILL HERE!

I literally CAN’T leave if I wanted to.

And I do. I'm over IT ALL!!

I want to be by myself in the WORST WAY.

I don’t want NOBODY around me but my daughter, and that is sad.

Because the fuck is the point?

Great Renee is doing a bang-up job. The work she has put in for herself is amazing and I am very proud of her.

But at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give. And that isn’t an exaggeration.

I’m talking about healing but I’m sitting under the same roof, seeing and feeling the same traumas repeatedly. I walk and drive past the same houses that ignored my cries for help, I’m ostracized by this family for defending myself.

And every time Renee “does something good” I have to praise her and tell her what a good job she did.

I cook a fucking meal, “did you enjoy it?” yes, yes, yes… no, no, no whatever their reaction… cool. Renee cooks a fucking meal, and I have to literally give her an entire play by play of the spices she used, if they are even good together. If she should’ve done something differently, if she should’ve cooked it longer, I must give an entire food review to pacify her.

Anything she does, “did I do good????”

Why?????

Everything this woman does is a song and dance now to “make up for” …

Am I appreciative? Sure... Thank you for doing the work, you're doing amazing.

BUT DAMNIT I am fucking PISSED OFF, I am resentful, that you couldn’t do it the FIRST TIME!!!

I want to be chosen THE FIRST TIME!

I am now an AFTERTHOUGHT.

I’m tired of the fucking apologies for actions.

Why do I have to chase an apology from a man who HAS NO REASON TO BE ACTING THE WAY HE IS ACTING in the first place?

Like????

These two acted like I’m a cheater, like I be cussing them out belittling them, like I’m inattentive, like I sit on my ass expecting them to do and pay for everything, like….

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Am I in a parallel universe?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I have pulled thoughts from every nook and cranny of my brain and I’m not sure what it is. BESIDES MY ATTITUDE.

And when I say attitude, you’re literally just going to have to experience me. I am a very conscious person. Hyperawareness is on 1000.

TRAUMA!!!!

To say that I see, hear, and feel everything is a grave understatement. Don’t believe me, that’s ok leave me alone.

My attitude depends on you. At my core I am a four-letter word not many understand, meek.

Gentle, quiet, easily imposed on; submissive.

People make me cold.

When they do and say shit, they have no business doing and saying.

Miguel ripped the rug from underneath me and I didn’t expect it.

Not in the least bit.

Everything I wrote please believe I meant it with my entire chest. However, my delivery... Is more than likely what's got his panties in a bunch. Kinda Public... 

I still don't regret that, because I wholeheartedly believe he'd spin a narrative the same way he did his ex and I'm not about that life. And trust I know it looks like I am on a smear campaign. But I am reacting to his non-reaction in a desperate attempt to understand.

Everything inside of me is screaming to make him speak to me, to do or say something drastic because THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

But for what?????

My ego is HORRENDOUS!

I hate the fact that this man had the audacity to walk away from me. FROM ME!!!

And is standing on business. FOR WHAT!!!!

My ego is BRUISED!! LMFAO!!!!!

It could be a very good reason for all I know. But I don't. And I have tried reaching out a dozen times. The only time i get a response is when I wake up with him heavy on my heart and I message him "I love you." I get a response then.

But when I ask for clarity, NOTHING!! Bruh... 

Somebody help me out here!!!!

What am I supposed to do?

How the hell am I supposed to work on the issue?

What am I supposed to change and grow from?

Which way do I go George?

Do I Continue to hold on to hope that this can be resolved? Even if its KILLING ME! Because I don’t exactly know what I’m hoping for anymore.

I know for a fact that I don’t want either of them right now. I want me!

I am tired of being miserable because of the people around me.

But I have nothing. Again. This time, I truly Give Up.