The Battle: My Heart and My Head

I almost broke today.

I mean really broke. It’s been damn near a month.

It’s much easier, believe me, but that’s the problem. I hate how easy it is not wanting his lips around mine. It’s crazy that I don’t cry anymore, that makes me want to cry though.  I don’t get back into bed anymore craving his embrace. Nor do I sit on my porch any longer at 12:51 waiting for his car to hopefully make that God forsaken left hand turn down that narrow alley way. To me.

But today, it was a little different, today, I felt it. I mean really felt it. Thanks to my wife.

It’s a blessing and a curse that she sees him every day. I can guarantee he will never see me again if he doesn’t want to. But today.

Today I damn near folded like a fucking lawn chair.

I went so far as to run around my goddamn house looking for the cute teddy bear nighty in the color he likes. I was about take a shower, and I was sure as shit about to have Renee DRIVE my ass the two point five seconds it takes to get to his house JUST to have his arms around me.

I didn’t find it, not have I showered.

I did ask myself though.

Would he do that for me? Not the nighty part obviously, but...

I was ready to swallow EVEN MORE of my pride.

And bitch I’d have choke on that shit later. Be fucking forreal. Would he do that for me? That’s literally what this is boiling down to. Bottom line, he’s not willing to put his own pride aside and come to me. So WHHYYYYYYYYY! Would I do that for him? Again?

It’s a fucking war in my brain ready to stop EVERYTHING, because let’s be fucking forreal… I have three cups sitting on my turner waiting to be sealed, and now eight orders sitting in cue.

And lets not forget the sink full of dishes, the vacuuming I haven’t done in two days, the list literally goes on.

I know good and damn well I have no business taking my ass over there, so instead, I grabbed my headphones, hit play on my fav playlist on Spotify ( RHETTA is my username FOLLOW ME I’m on playlist Live Tik Tok), laptop and let it out.

No one prepares you for what happens next after heartbreak. The war between that part of you that wants to pick up that phone and then the part that knows better.

That pull, damn near physical ache in your chest urging you to reach out, just to check on them. It’s not just about the safety they gave you. It’s what you gave them.

But then there’s a deeper knowing, that little voice in the back of your head saying: They’re fighting an internal battle only they can win. It’s not your job to save them. They have to want this more than whatever has him so…

I did all I could.

You did all you could.

That’s that mental and spiritual battles colliding.

Mentally your mind is running ramped with “what ifs.” Perhaps if you just take a different approach, maybe if you word it just right, he’d change his mind. Right?

No.

The truth is, that battle in your mind has absolutely nothing to do with them, but your own relief, your own desperation to just make that ache in your chest stop.

Spiritually though, honey that fight is MUCH deeper. That undeniable tension between love, and release. You love them enough to still want their healing, but your growth knows that’s not yours to give. Love doesn’t always mean standing next to someone in their storm. Sometimes, the most sacred love is from a distance. Hold them in prayer, bless them silently from afar and let the universe do what you cannot.

Faith over fear.

Your fear is telling you, “If I let him go, I’ll never find love this deep again.”

Faith, reminds you, “If I let him go, I create space for a love that won’t destroy me.”

The longest battle in history was 9 months 3 weeks and 6 days, The Battle of Verdun.

Can you imagine the shit they went through? On both sides?

Some days you’ll want to cave, some nights; you’ll lay in that bed; you’ll draft that text, but you’ll never send it. And every time you choose to sit with yourself instead of running back, every time you surrender the urge to the silence, YOU WIN.

No, not him honey. You didn’t leave him, he left you.

Remember it’s no longer about him. You gave him all you could give him, he knows this and so do you.

Every time you surrender the urge to fill the silence HE created, you win a piece of your own healing back.

Need to check your ego, ‘cause I left mine at the door

Just because I let it slide, drowning in all my emotions

I let you slide in this ocean I’m in

Love with you, but stand your ways

And I try to be strong but how much can I take?

Put your words on your life this time….

~Summer Walker

Heart of a Woman

Damn I miss him though.