Am I the Drama?

As I am writing this understand I am doing A TON of self reflection. THIS SHIT IS HARD!!!

I'm not changing a goddamn thing but as the ACTUAL timestamps and some more highlight on things. I have photos... Perhaps I'll put them up one day:

May- was when the altercation happened: 2024

BOOM!!!!

Have you ever met someone and just wanted to take care of their heart?** was the meme sent. 

I EVEN HAVE HIS RESPONSE!!!!

With the photo of the lil girl.

I have a photo of the hotel AND THE VIDEO OF THE GODDAMN RAT!!!

BY HIS BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR WE HAD MADE IT OFFICIAL THAT THE THREE OF US WHERE OFFICIAL!!!!

July OUR FIRST DATE!!!

~~~~The saga continues~~~~

By now, you’re either feeling my pain, or laughing in my face. Either way, I really don’t give a fuck. At the end of the day, if you’re reading this, and I mean really reading it, you’ve been where I’ve been.

You ignored the signs, ALL OF THEM. Not just his.

Yours.

A trauma-bond occurs when love and pain intertwine via a cycle of highs and lows. Not based on genuine safety or consistent care but instead fueled by moments of deep connection or affection mixed with withdrawal, criticism or neglect.

I know I had no business forming a relationship with that man after going through what I went through, which was why I did everything in my power to NOT TO!!!

I made sure no one knew, especially him. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me and develop some stupid ass hero complex, I didn’t need saving.

Or so I thought.

I knew it then, the moment that man kissed my lips and left that hotel room I knew I was going to cling to him for dear fucking life. Because who wouldn’t?

He was the calm to a storm he had no clue was even brewing. Sure he knew something had happened, I’m sure everyone knew. But I wasn’t going to say anything, because who was going to believe me anyways?  I wasn’t the aggressor? Right!

Who was going to believe I hit her because I couldn’t take it anymore. Who was going to believe that years of being someone’s possession was my reality?

ME?!

Who was going to believe that my only crime is being pretty. I loved a woman who loved to own me. Then I loved a man who wanted to do the same damn thing, go figure.

I stayed in that hotel for three days. I didn’t eat, I barely slept, I went to work, I asked my manager for more hours and I kept to myself.

Miguel came twice, he talked, I listened.

Did I want him to make love to me on that crinkly bed, with the cigarette holes in the comforter? Absolutely the fuck not.

I may have been down bad but at 35 getting fucked in a rat infested run-down motel was not my idea of a first anything. Be fucking forreal.

Had I booked a room at the Raddison in Scranton it probably would’ve been a different story but… Nah.

At that time, that was all I could afford, not all I was worth, and that was because I paid with cash and not my card because I didn’t want homegirl to know where I was at.

But anyways.

My stay at the hotel was very short and nowhere near sweet, I lost my shit when Stewart popped out of a big ass hole under the sink. Grabbed my shit and hightailed it right back to the house I put all of MY BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS into making it a home.

Fuck her and fuck them if they thought I was going to be reduced to a nasty ass motel.

I made sure I messaged Renee to let her know I was on my way back. When I got there I made it abundantly clear this wasn’t by any means me coming back, forgiving or taking responsibility for dick.

That man was a friend.

A friend I eventually wanted to be more but on our terms.

Renee’s problem is when she says something, sometimes she “meant it in a different way.”

When I say something, I mean what the fuck I say and I said what the fuck I meant, period.

My delivery may need work, but my words will stay the same.

So if I say, “I like Miguel, I think he’s a great guy. I think he’d be a great fit for our relationship,” I’m not saying I want to fuck him.

If I want to fuck him, I would've said, “he’s fine as fuck I’m tryna ride his face.”

You see how those are two completely different statements?

Miguel wasn’t someone I wanted to just fuck. That man spoke to my soul way before he made my pussy tingle.

I’m not looking for sex.

I had great sex with my wife.

I wanted compassion, I wanted softness, I wanted safety, I wanted consistency, affection, I WANTED TO BE FUCKING APPRECIATED!!  None of which she was giving me.

I wanted to turn my brain off, I was tired of worrying, tired of living paycheck to paycheck, TIRED.

You tell me how you work your ass off for years, don’t have control of anything but worked for everything and still had nothing.

WHAT?

For every high, the lows were low.

After that hotel stay I promise you I was done with Renee. No I wasn’t done with our marriage just yet, just her.

For a while, we were no longer an us.

I need to be me again.

And that’s where Miguel I guess enters and remains until he’s gone.

I needed to take a step back.

So we all become. Friends.

Renee starts therapy because, I’ll be damned if we continue this cycle. You’re demons have had their fun put down the drink and pick up some therapy.

And for the record, YES YOU NEED THERAPY!

You, ya mama, ya daddy, ESPECIALLY ya babydaddy, ya aunt…

Everyone.

I’m definitely speaking to the men and women in my family, and anyone who “love them.” If you’ve hearted my posts or viewed my story, you need therapy. Get it.

 

So friends.

That’s all I had to give.

The first few weeks it was just Miguel and I. I went over his on Tuesdays, we watched a movie or the dumbass show The Game of Thrones.

He watched and explained everything while I fell asleep listening to his voice.

Each and every time I went to that mans house, all we did was watch something, (he commentated), while I more than likely fell asleep.

Then we started spending time at my house, with Renee.

At this point my job is essentially done. Clearly I like Miguel, he likes me the transition begins. My only job is to sit there and look pretty while they “get to know each other”, “feel each other out.”

I don’t know what the relationship will look like for them, that’s something they need to decide for themselves. Am I hoping like hell they at least like one another? DUH!

Let’s rewind just tad.

In the grand scheme of things, I needed them to work out. I didn’t want him to save my marriage,  I needed him to save me, I NEEDED ATTENTION! I needed them to give me together what they'd NEVER be able to give me separate. WHAT NO ONE HAS BEEN ABE TO GIVE ME EVER!!!!!

I don't have a reason to cheat. I will leave gladly the FIRST time I tell you and you can't do it. WHY WOULD I STAY? When there is someone out there who won't make me ask in the FIRST PLACE!

I’ve tried to leave numerous times up until that point. Why?

Simple, my needs weren’t being met.

They have NEVER been met! Every time I tried to leave, like in A LOT of situations there’s always one more reason to give it another try. So I did. For 15 goddamn years. So, no, Miguel wasn't there to save my marriage.

Renee needed to save herself for our marriage.

Miguel was already, in motion.

Fact!

Polyamory isn’t a ME “thing”, it’s a WE “thing.”

It’s not cheating.

I wasn’t cheating on Renee, I was building a bond. When you and your partners got together were your friends and family involved?

Did they accompany you on dates?

This situation was no different, but yes it was different.

For our relationship, “double-dating” wasn’t working, “couple-dating” DEFINETELY wasn’t working.

We had tried “solo” dating once before, with Jimmy Fucking Neutron…. He was a liar and VERY MANIPULATIVE!

Also I was young, dumb, and DEFINETLY had no idea what I was doing, nor did I realize I was ESCAPING! (again a story for another time)

Miguel was a friend. I took everything I had learned about men about myself and my marriage and applied it to building something honest and real.

I had absolutely no idea Renee’s feelings were so… tumultuous.

I connected with him, if Renee connected, GREAT, if she didn’t…

Miguel and I would probably remain friends.

Would Renee and I still be together? I don’t know. We are now and that’s all that matters.

I loved my wife, regardless if Miguel was there or not.

After fifteen years.

You’d think we’d have learned some type of lesson but let’s be clear, days before I had a "heart to heart" with Miguel guess what, I HAD THE SAME CONVERSATION WITH HER!

It wasn’t just Miguel. How are there TWO of you and I feel more unfulfilled now then when it was just Renee.

Am I the fucking problem?

Am I asking too much?

You tell me…

Here’s some of my bullshit…

·       I am home all day. Even when I wasn’t all day every single day it is the same:

o   We have 6 animals, 3 dogs 3 cats.

o   No matter what I do, my house is always a mess. I am the only person who cleans (bathroom, sweeping, dusting, rearranging, bedroom, changing sheets, clean fridge, mop floors, vacuuming.)

o   MY HOUSE IS OLD IT IS FALLING APART!

o   We have two bathrooms but can now only use one because (I don’t fucking know I’m not a plumber)

§  The shower is small and needs to be re-caulked

o   I asked Miguel, every so often it’d be nice to spend some time at your house just to get away from the chaos, especially after I clean so the place has a chance to marinate. (that was too much I suppose)

·       I like animals but I don’t because I have ISSUES, i.e. excessive loud noise REALLY agitate me. So a cat constantly meowing or scratching at my door FOR NO REASON other than to come inside the room to do it, I get agitated. Do they just want some love? Sure, do I want to give it to them at 1 in the morning? No.

o   I don’t like the sound animals make when they drink (for fucks sake use a straw)

o   I don’t like the sound animals make licking themselves, I don’t like that animals DRAG THEIR ASSES OVER THE FLOORS I JUST MOPPED, or the way that cats think its ok to destroy EVERYTHING because they are bored. (honestly the list goes on.) I DON’T LIKE ANIMALS!!!

And for you (then why do you have so many?

Because my wife likes animals. And notice the (S) on the ends of those words? That (s) makes the word plural. Meaning multi, more. Than. One.

When I met Renee she had two dogs.

We now have six animals.

I asked for a cat she brought home 3.

I can mentally handle one cat. Me.

I have literally proven that anything more than one and I cannot handle. I have expressed verbally as well. Ask Renee why we have so many, then ask her why six is too many.

Anyways….

Point is, my house is chaos. CONSTANTLY. So every once in a while I’d like some peace. Peace that Miguel can easily provide at zero cost.

But what’s even crazier is the fact that whenever we did go down there her comes Renee “well we gotta go back early to take care of the animals.” Every time we spent the night, Miguel stayed all night and left from our house to go to work, but if we slept at his house, and Renee had to go to work she’d set an alarm for us to go home early because she had to get ready and take the dogs out. Meanwhile she had to drop me off on the way to work.

THIS ENTIRE THING IS PISSING ME OFF!!!!!! I cant even continue the list. I wanted peace, I wanted MORE SEX, I wanted to be SEEN, LOVED ON!!!!!! 

Anyways….

 

There are so many variables that even writing this down is driving me crazy because seriously.

I am crystal clear, you love me, I’m going to love you ten times harder.

Ask them both. ASK THEM!!!! THE ONLY TIME YOU HEAR MY MOUTH IS WHEN I'M OVER/UNDER STIMULATED!!! 

You wanna shut me up? What Glo say?

This man listened to MY FAVORITE books with me, he reminded me so much of the main male character and I TOLD HIM!!!

CAN I GET A LIL REENACTMENT!?!?! Renee never shared my passion for reading. I thought cool he can read with me and watch weird ass shows I don't want to watch with Renee. WIN!!

THEY WERE AMAZING IN THE BEGINNING!!

I say hey, lets go for a walk, BOOM. We walking.

I say hey, I’m in the mood for some nature, BOOM! We going to Nay Aug all up in them people woods, all of a sudden Renee Know’s these cute lil spots to walk. Dates, dinners all the good shit the beginning comes with.

The sex!!!!! I WANNA TELL YALL SO BAD!!! 

From the moment that mans hands touched my body you would think he wrote the tune it moved to. That man didn’t give a damn about me being sensitive to SHIT.

And that’s all imma say about that. For Now. (and don't think it was ANY different with Renee)

I aint tryna embarrass the man but… yeah.

He said he’d read the Kama Sutra… believed it.

My wife!!! Fed off his energy. SHIT WAS LITTY!!!!!

So where did it go wrong?

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!!

But I’m starting to get a good fucking idea.

We formed a routine, work, home, I made dinner most nights, Renee the other nights. Asked him to cook a few times. He makes very good Spaghetti. When I first met him he made that Zupa shit from the Olive Garden, LOVED IT! Never got it after that. He did made a mean Rib-eye or whatever it was called. 

THE MAN CAN COOK!! He just didn't want to for us for whatever reason.

Everywhere we went, we went together. Renee drove.

He drove twice in the beginning, both times we almost have an accident.

Now…

 I’ve been driving with my wife for a long time, those that have driven with my wife know she’s a crazy driver. A former friend of ours, this woman… can also drive the shit out of a vehicle.

MIGUEL! He can drive, clearly. But his driving is a lil scary. We’re adults. The first time I tried to talk to him about it, this man got hella defensive and told me, “if you don’t like my driving, don’t drive with me.”

BET!

We were at work and his attitude surprised the hell outta me and low-key hurt my feelings. I ended up going to the bathroom to cry, dude.

Needless to say I didn't drive with him for a while, which was very inconvenient since at the time my wife had to be at work an entire hour before us. Hence how I agreed to the four to one shift. GUESS WHO ELSE MADE THE SWITCH?!!?

The routine continued, only around this time, Miguel has started remodeling his house. So where he had been coming over for a few hours, hanging out, then heading home, we suggested he stay the night and he could shower here if he needed.

He did.

And had going forward. Not the shower, he’d come home from work sit on the couch for a bit we’d discuss his day then he’d go home shower then come back we’d all be in for the night. (the only driving this man did was from his house to mine and sometimes to work.)

The remodel on his home was absolutely beautiful when it was finished, though it wasn’t like crazy MAJOR. His bathroom, roof, and the cutest lil driveway/patio thingy.

The man was STRESSED  the entire time.

Now it was like we were real life coupling!!! When I tell you this man stayed in our bed. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

Unless I asked to go to his!!!!!

Trips to book stores, we went shopping a few times. (which reminds me, I still have slippers I need to return to him.”

AGAIN... Dinner dates are a thing. But, I’m asking and planning for everything I’m starting to notice.

They’re happily going along but it’s getting kinda monotonous. After the Christmas holiday I was going to step back and start letting them do the planning.

Christmas comes, Christmas goes and I promise I stopped asking for anything. I say to Miguel new year hey, we’ve been spending majority of our time at my house I’m tired of staring at them walls everyday I’d like to spend more time here.

Get to know you more in your space like you do ours.

He’s like cool.

When I tell you he spends the next few months buying shit I’m not exaggerating. Patio furniture, lights, a rocking chair, canopy etc. The man was going all out and saving money in the process. I was so excited, for him as well as the memories we was going to make if you catch my drift. HE TALKED ABOUT GETTING A JACUZZI! He showed us where he was going to put it. GIRL!!!!!

How the fuck that became a problem is beyond me.

You literally bought all of that for OUR comfortability.

The shower head, the tub (so I could take a bath.)

BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I can’t even finish typing this because I’m so confused.

Why are we here right now?

 

So over the next few months this man preparing his home, meanwhile we’re not doing anything, or going anywhere because clearly they have no desire to. Go figure.

Work, my house, work, my house, I ask to take a shower at his house in between a few times and once my body was aching so bad I asked to take a bath, I BOUGHT THE STUFF, RAN THE FUCKING WATER, AND SAT THERE BYSELF!!!

After a while I got, “yea I guess” when I asked.

So I stopped doing that too.

After the holidays there isn't much overtime at work so we start to actually have days off. We’re getting into the warm weather months so you can imagine my excitement.

Miguel done put the canopy together but, LMFAO, there was a wind storm that knocked that shit right on down.

He was pissed.

Mind you, we told him not to do that shit, and I’m pretty sure his neighbor did too. That man is hard-headed.

So he’s put the furniture together and rearranged it to his liking.

I’m thinking ok, this is good, he’s preparing for us to spend time down there.

Now, need to squeeze in here, for those who don’t know, THIS, this is… This is where the BULLSHIT BEGINS…

Like I said we work at walmart, all three of us at this point. I loved my job and trust me when I tell you, my job loved me. There wasn’t a single place I could be put that I didn’t thrive in as long as I didn’t have to go on the salesfloor or talk to too many people

I have the worst anxiety especially in large crowds. Don’t get me wrong, I was being paid to do a job, wherever they wanted me to go is where I went, I simply preferred, to be in the backroom and that was where I spent majority of my time.

So I knew the fucking back room.

Miguel preferred to be on the salesfloor picking. I had to ask (ASK) for that man to pick they kept him in the back so much.

We worked very well together but at the end of the day, there’s 90 plus associates in that department but only 2 up until my lil Jayda Bayda Started, could handle the backroom.

And I mean handle it.

It started from 4am to 11 am faithfully that area RAN, once them 11 am(ers) walked they funky asses through the door. EVERYTHING WENT DOWN HILL!

TELL ME I’M LYING!!!!!!

If you had the pleasure of working with me (say hey in the comments) you know good and damn well I DID MY JOB. If I had a problem (A BIG PROBLEM) it was when them name 11 olcock associates came in and where aloud to DO NOTHING!

Then when they changed the back room and made it INIFICIENT AND A SAFETY HAZARD is when I LOST MY DAMN MIND!!! (if you seen the post congrats, it's hidden now)

From The time Team Lead Angel was there (ON TIME DAILY) she had associates WORKING!! AND THEY HATED IT! Angel is about her BUSINESS PERIOD.

The minute another team lead walked through the door PLAY TIME!!!

Anything that went wrong went wrong at the exact same time and it fosho wasn’t between whenever Angel walked in but the SECOND Alyah bounced her ass through the door...

ABSOLUTE MESS!!!

And it wasn’t no small ones either. I HAVE THE PICTURES!!

Food left out for DAYS!!!!

Orders backed up! OOOH CHILE!!!! That department was and still is A MESS!!!

They would literally watch people standing up against a wall wondering why shit done blown the fuck up, but the SAME PEOPLE ARE STANDING ON THE SAME WALL.

Any time that back room went to shit one or all was at play, 1. I went to lunch 2.Miguel and I went to lunch 3. They done pissed me off (standing around) and I went to pick.

If I was back there (it ran smooth).

TELL ME I’M LYING!!!!!!! No I do not have an inflated ego, I'M ABOUT MY BUSINESS!!

I can walk in the backroom RIGHT NOW! TODAY! OFF THE STREET! After not being there for months and watch it run smoothly. THAT'S HOW CONFIDENT I AM IN MY WORK ETHIC!

Why am I no longer there?

I’m glad you asked.

Lindsey sent me home because I REFUSED to continue a disagreement we had had IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE BACK ROOM!!!

I wasn’t about to engage any longer because no matter whether I was right or she was wrong, (about the fact that her, angel, AND (I done forgot the other team leads name, BUT HER TOO) all abuse Miguel’s work ethic, they rely on him to do what others REFUSE to do.

I wasn’t even talking to her I was talking to Miguel. I said, “I love how it’s always you, but never one of the associates standing on the wall.” MY WORDS!!!!! 

Lindsay says, “what? What was that? What’s wrong?”

I said nothings wrong, and repeated what I said. I wasn't mad just stating a fact, nor was I DIRECTING my comment at her. At that point I had no clue Lindsay had even asked them to do anything and FURTHER MORE...

I even said, "I didn't even know you told him to do anything I was referring to how these carts been here and yet he just came back and he's doing them!" She says "because I told him to do them."

"I said yes exactly, but bypass the 2 associates holding up the wall."

She SAYS!!!! "I DIDN'T SEE THEM, I JUST SAW MIGUEL!"

I said ok, that doesn't change anything that I said because you NEVER SEE THEM. 

MIND YOU!!!! (check them produce cams), Miguel had JUST come back from lunch and there were carts EVERYWHERE. (frozen/chilled) 

She ARGUED ME DOWN telling me she was the only team lead who DIDN'T rely on Miguel!!!! And demanded I give her examples as to when.

BE FUCKING FO-REAL!!!!!!

In front of several associates she’s telling me!!!!  ME ("one of" the only OTHER associates you rely on!!!!) how she Did not Rely on Miguel and to give her examples as to when she did….  I continued to tell this girl that I wasn’t going to continue to go back and forth with her. (mainly because the associates she had walked past were now laughing and I heard one of them say (oh yea...it's about time)

LINDSEY SAID!!!!! “Yeah because you know I’m right!”

I said what???? (I know right!!!!! To tell you I was floored, BEFUDDLED! MISTIFIED!) Because WHO IS SHE TALKING TO!!!!!!!

 I wanted to laugh in this girls face. 

Because THE FUCK?!?!?! You're standing here arguing against a point you've already proved but go off sis.

I wasn't being reprimanded for ANYTHING except for this girl's ego. Because I wasn't talking to or about her, but that didn't exclude her either. Whether or not Miguel was told to do something by a supervisor wasn't the problem, nor was there even a problem.

I was under the impression Miguel had taken it upon himself like he's supposed to do to jump in and do the carts. My issue was them carts been there while,

1. the associates assigned to the backroom where  NOWHERE TO BE FOUND,
2. the management team had WALKED PAST THEM CARTS TWICE!!! You wanna know how I know?

AREA AWARENESS! 

Home girl felt that she was RIGHT in her stance that she didn’t rely on Miguel in the EXACT SAME WAY THE REST OF THEM DID.

CLEARLY no matter what I said it didn't make a difference!!!! Was I wrong? YEP!!! For going back and forth with her in that backroom. Absolute disrespect which is why….

I WALKED THE HELL AWAY!!!!

Was what I said wrong? NO IT WAS NOT!!! Not in the least bit! It’s not like it was the first time I’ve said it. I've said it multiple times on multiple different occasions, yall rely too much on the same associates while there are associates, like the two she walked past, can stand against A WALL!!!

I'm not the only person with eyes back there I was just vocal when it got to be too much.

Every single associate in that building knows what I said was correct, especially the ones standing on that wall, all of which, (say it with me out loud) LINDSEY BIPASSED TO GET TO MIGUEL!!!! GO FIGURE!!!

So anyways, clearly, I’m HOT!!!!

I should probably go calm down because I’m no longer in the mind state of being at work. RIGHT!!!! That's what any NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO!!! Because I'm PISSED!!!! I’m ready to go OFF!!! You stood there at your big age, and badge in the middle of the backroom full of MY PEERS and I'm the one that had enough area awareness to know that it wasn't the time or place? Congrats on the promotion.

I’ve had a habit of lashing out (I use that very lightly, because while I was stern as an ASSOCIATE I was never disrespectful, AND if I got a little hot my apology was always as big if not bigger than the disrespect.) when I get overstimulated, and on more than one occasion I’ve had to tell each one of the leads about the productivity in that backroom, because it was directly  affecting my own productivity, (why am I having these discussions with LEADS?)

May have dropped a cuss or two, nothing serious a damn here, shit there.

I wasn’t even mad when I was talking to Miguel, SARCASTIC, YESSSSS, Lindsey pissed me off by forcing me to be waayyy more unprofessional than I have ever been like we was arguing on the stree. SHE escalated THE FUCK out of that situation, then sent me home when I REFUSED to continue it. Why as the associate did I have to walk away? Lindsey followed me to the back of the store where I was going to tote carts, to tell me “I needed to talk to her.”

I told her no the hell I did not, I said what I said I wasn’t about to continue arguing with her. (It’s funny how she sang a much different tune now that nobody else was around except for Renee whom I was JUST about to vent to.)

(bottom line)

~~~~~***What I said was a FACT, and she took it as an attack which escalated, she cared more about being RIGHT than what I was saying. What did I need to give an example of? Of times where you rely on Miguel or the few good associates instead of holding the ones not doing their jobs accountable??? How about you run them cameras back. Watch who she runs to, along with every one of them when the chaos ensues.  Take a wild guess TO THIS DAY where Miguel is***~~~~

But... (I'mma keep it cute)

…. (the story continues)

She said “if that’s the case you can go home." SHE SENT ME HOME!!! So home is where I went. 

WHATEVER BULLSHIT SHE WENT BACK AND TOLD THEM WAS JUST THAT BULLSHIT!!! I didn't walk out, I didn't go off on Lindsay I repeatedly told her I wasn't arguing with her and WALKED AWAY!!

I never received a phone call from anyone at Dickson City. Not Adam, Not Aliya, not Patty, Not Angel (poor girl was on vacation and is the ONLY LEAD WORTH A DAMN IN THAT DEPARTMENT!!!!)

 A few days later I was “terminated” and I haven't been back since. 

Is that story necessary?

ABSOLUTELY!

Why?

Because THAT was the very beginning to the end of this relationship. I mean the very beginning.

I went to bat for HIM!!! Wasn't even my intentions, I was just stating the obvious, (my bad!)

And look, I'll never do that shit again. I decided then I was going to focus on me and becoming a full-time business owner.

So instead of this relationship I put myself 100% into my business. I stopped cooking, fuck cleaning, I was doing it by myself damn near this entire time.

Time to pour into me. Because people are losing their minds!!! I was done sticking my neck out for others.

Now was MY TURN to be fed, to be watered and uplifted the same way I did them. The same way I went to bat for you and your mental and physical health is the same way I needed them to show up for me.

 

My birthday.

Went to the beach. FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I paid for dinner!!!!

Had a great time otherwise.

Yall saw the pictures.

So, up until this point, are you following?

Was this a trauma bond? Or was this a bond filled with trauma?

Shit am I even explaining it?

This is the time where I needed someone to see me.

I begged this man for some attention. Attention he was already giving me in the beginning. Attention he stopped giving me when I needed it the most.

I gave you the recipe to my love in beginning and when I needed it reciprocated NOBODY WANTED TO GIVE IT TO ME.

I’m now home all day, cool, you think I want to be home all night too?

What was the problem with, “hey babe… I ran you a bath… put that heat press away and lemme …. (lemme stop it could get a lil spicey)

After fifteen years with her and barely a year with him, why do I know when you BOTH get home you’re gonna need a twenty minute power-nap to re-charge, and you love when dinner is already started, he has two meals that I cook that he goes INSANE for, while she has at least 6… but the both of you don’t know together that around the same time every month I’m going to be DOUBLED over in twice as much pain during that time of the month.

How don’t yall know that the COLD HURTS MY BODY so when the temperature outside drops below a certain degree I’m going to ache all over, but while we were at work Miguel was in the freezer just so I wouldn’t have to be, because later on when we, WE got home, I was going to be in pain.

Nobody knows that walking around a bookstore will give me a dopamine kick? Or that I have a body wash addiction?

Nobody gave a shit that I wasn’t eating in the mornings because I was too hyper focused on cups.

It wasn’t just Miguel.

 

CLEARLY I’M THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!

Right?

If you have more questions than answers congrats, we're in the same boat.

Hell you might even have questions that I haven't even thought to ask, ASK THEM. I'm more than willing to answer most of them.

It's not over, hell the story hasn't even really begun. 

The conversations, the moments, the touches, the kisses. They each have their own stories. Stories I'll eventually tell.

It's not easy.

Because now it's become less about Miguel and how that man broke my heart. And more about how I started to love myself less and less, the more i loved them more and more. 

My silence so loud, and no one was listening except me.

Was I emotionally manipulated? No.

Was Miguel in love with me? Yes.

Is he still? You'd have to ask him.

Do I still love him? Yes, but I've come to realize that I don't like him very much. I don't like my wife either.

Well, their choices. 

Because how can you look someone you love every day and not notice how much they are dying inside. And why would I want to be with people like that?

 How can you allow someone to pour, and pour, and pour into a cup that is essentially RUNNING OVER at this point and not see what a mess it's creating? 

And why was I the only one pouring?